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The thread that makes you laugh

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Started 4 months ago by Whiterabbit-uk
Latest reply from watcher13

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Whiterabbit-uk

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I'm sure someone has already set up a thread similar to this one, but the heat here in the UK at the moment is too much for me to bother searching through the forum threads. In fact I'm finding it hard to do much at all, lol.

I thought I'd start off (or restart as the case may be) a new thread to cheer everyone up. I get quite a lot of Emails from friends and acquaintances that show the funnier side of life. I thought I'd share some of those with you. I won't be posting that often; just when I remember to open up one of the many that I've kept in my personal folder. The following just arrived this morning and I thought it was quite funny. I apologize in advance if you find a few of the words a little inappropriate for these forums. Just let me know if you do and I'll delete the offending words. :)

Please add your own anecdotes and funny Emails. Thank you.
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
regards

Whiterabbit
Posted 4 months ago #
notblocklox

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ROTFLMAO = 100 %

Posted 4 months ago #
watcher13

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Thank you very much, WR! Having heard that diatribe far too many times, I find that rebuttal particularly apt and hilarious!

Posted 4 months ago #
midori

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Love it, wrabbit! Ain't it the truth! And a kudos to cleverlox for summing up ROTFLMAO!

Speaking of numbers: Here's George Carlin's Views on Aging.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony -- YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Posted 4 months ago #
freebird31

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some laughing stuff right here!
this one you'll have to download, cuz it's been taken off youtube. It's Pixar's Partly Cloudy

http://www.adrive.com/public/64d59de08bdfc8b2c73059fb92989b7061d3afa3535f416dcd117519d894837e.html

and these are fun too:
George Carlin
similarities:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgps85scy1g

Airplane safety
(hilarious! )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFW6NHbWX0E&feature=related

Posted 4 months ago #
HOSS

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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

(Can anyone in the Pacific Palisades area confirm this?)

Posted 4 months ago #
freebird31

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@HOSS
good one! hahhahahahaha

Posted 4 months ago #
byront

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IMHO: the way most of the schools let the parents/students get away with things this should be a staple for all schools.

Posted 4 months ago #
Whiterabbit-uk

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That was brilliant. I used to work as a teacher and it's amazing how parents can react to their children’s schooling, or believe everything they say. While teaching at a particular school in a rather poor area of Manchester, I had a student who was constantly chewing gum in class. Whenever I caught her chewing I’d take a waste paper bin to her and ask her to spit it out. One day while in a staff meeting I received a call from her mother, who accused me of dumping the contents of the waste paper bin on her head and then placing the bin on her head. After trying to explain to her what the real story was, she started to string together some expletives that I’d never even heard of. I was quite new to the teaching profession at the time and wasn't sure how to deal with the situation, so passed it on to my head of science (I taught biology and chemistry then later health and social care). Anyway, the following day she came storming into the school and physically threatened our headmistress. The incident resulted in the police being called and the girl being expelled temporarily; which in the end just gave the girl a kind of status in that particular school. I was only a temporary teacher, so never found out whether the mother had been charged with anything.

Another instance when I took my first full time contract, and which involved yet another school situated in a poor area of Birmingham.

I was doing a detention duty after school, and commented to one of my colleagues (we used to do it with two staff members because the kids were pretty unruly), about a particular student whom I’d seen in every detention class I’d taken since taking up my contract. The boy was very polite, and used to arrive to detention and would immediately start work on whatever he had with him. He’d continue without a sound throughout the detention class, and then would politely diapppear once they were discharged. I was curious to know why the student was always in detention (he wasn’t in any classes that I took, so didn’t really know him). Imagine my surprise when I was told that the student had requested permission to sit in the detention classes because if he took any homework home his parents would just rip it up. Apparently they had been students themselves (not that long go), and had themselves been very disruptive students who left as soon as they were able. The mother had bee one of those who had fallen pregnant while still at school. The boy himself was determined to do well at school. I sometimes wonder what became of him.

Posted 4 months ago #
watcher13

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The last story was especially interesting. My hats off to you for your patience. I would like to teach, but would have to do adult education because I couldn't put up with those kind of parents (or students). If they got in my face, I'm afraid they'd end up in what you folks call the dustbin. :)

Posted 4 months ago #
Whiterabbit-uk

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Games Guru

lol wacher,

what I forgot to mention about the second example was that apparently the parents were very proud of their son because he was always in detention. It makes me wonder whether we should have a law that forbade people from having children with such attitudes. Maybe psychometric testing. If you fail, sterilization - lol

Posted 4 months ago #
Buckleysmom

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Wrabbit....Gee I feel sorry for that kid....but I bet he's now someone important....or a doctor, lawyer whatever...you know. Too bad you can't find out what became of him.
BK

Posted 4 months ago #
MadisonAvenue

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Do support pages from gotd software vendors count?
http://www.binerus.com/support.html
the brusque "be attentive" and the comment that they naturally can't update their program when the staff is on vacation are real confidence builders. Microsoft, watch your rear view mirror!

Posted 4 months ago #
watcher13

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LOL!, MadisonAvenue. Even better for me is the statement which precedes "Be attentive":

"Be sure that you're doing everything right."

No problem. It's my normal mode of operation. :) Apparently, to err is human; but to forgive is not Binerus.

Later this is followed by:

"Also, if the serious bug has been found in the program, but the new version is not ready yet, we make the hot fix for it."

But, would that be necessary if you had first followed rule 1?

Reminds me of an experience involving Radio France. I have been a shortwave listener off and on, and, in those ancient days before streaming, Radio France's English service was fairly popular here in North America. Their "Paris Calling Africa" program was considered perhaps the best source of news about that continent. However, it wasn't an easy listen here; since, obviously, it wasn't directed towards us. Still, the quality of their English service was appreciated worldwide and they constantly recieved requests to start a North American Service (which they eventually did) but it wasn't in the budget for many years.

Once, in those pre-North American days, they advertised in the World Radio and Television Handbook (the shortwave Bible at the time) and said something like, "Radio France broadcasts on (so and so many) frequencies in (so and so many) languages and if you are unable to receive us you should verify that your equipment is working properly." I.E. they basically said, "If you can't hear us, it's YOUR fault."

Not that the French have ever had to fight a stereotypical reputation for being snotty. Needless to say, the ad did not stop the call for a North American service. (And, I suspect, did not endear them to the shortwave community.)

Maybe Binerus studied public relations in France.

Posted 4 months ago #

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