Giveaway of the Day Forums » General discussion

for the men

(213 posts)
  • Started 4 months ago by creamypretzel
  • Latest reply from maizeydaze

  1. Paulga
    Member

    graylox.....a Difene injection, and ( Mobic tabs 15mg, 1 daily ) also ( Losamel 20 mg tabs Omeprazole, gastric resistant ) i have a heat pad, and a massager with infrared, am also using Traumeels homoeopathic ointment, the latter is fantastic! this was a mild attack as it is nearly over, however a bad attack entails me falling down, one second i am active, then just as i turn, my back gives and i hit the ground fast, then shuffle around the house with a walking stick for three weeks! other than that i am very fit, fishing ,shooting, boating, and i use dumb bells, what a shock to the system when suddenly everything is at a standstill?, oh sometimes i use Zydol, thanks for asking, carealox!

    Paulga

    Posted 3 months ago #
  2. funkymom
    Member

    wow- i've missed so much in a week. it's gonna take me a while to catch up.

    fyi- i couldn't tell if you guys were joking or not, but in the aerosmith video, the "cute guy in the pink trousers" is steven tyler(or a quicker bio of steven tyler). the cute brunette girl is liv tyler, his daughter in real life (biological daughter......long story). the cute blond girl is alicia silverstone.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  3. funkymom
    Member

    and my reason for popping in, in the first place:

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

    As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"

    Posted 3 months ago #
  4. creamypretzel
    Member

    Jim and Phil were getting dressed in the locker room after a hard workout at the gym. Jim glanced over at Phil and noticed he was putting on a bra! Jim looked at him in amazement and said,

    "Phil, when did you start wearing a bra?!?"

    Phil replied, "When my wife found it in the glove compartment."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  5. funkymom
    Member

    rofl!
    ---------------
    A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

    A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

    "Well," replied the man, "She must have had a lot of friends."

    "Nope," said the farmer, "We all just want to buy his mule."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  6. robm
    Member

    Fathers

    Two fathers were at the bar of their club sharing their problems.

    "My son is at college and is always writing home for money. I don't know what he does with it," lamented one.

    "My daughter is at college and never asks for money. I wonder where she is getting it," lamented the other.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  7. funkymom
    Member

    In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

    "But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

    "Sure," replied the man.

    "Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.

    The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"

    Posted 3 months ago #
  8. maizeydaze
    Member

    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

    God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

    “With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

    God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

    And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  9. robm
    Member

    Maizey that is brilliantly funny.

    Posted 3 months ago #
  10. maizeydaze
    Member

    robm, thanks. But, the "brilliance" is not mine. Unless, performing the copy and paste functions are considered a smart trick. :D

    Posted 3 months ago #
  11. robm
    Member

    I appreciate your consideration and taking the time to do it so that we can hopefully have a laugh from it. :)

    Posted 3 months ago #
  12. maizeydaze
    Member

    Here's another for you:

    Whipped Magazine for Men

    Posted 3 months ago #
  13. robm
    Member

    ROFL! Lads check it out. There is a word I could add to the front of that but it may be misconstrued here. Where do you unearth these gems?

    Posted 3 months ago #
  14. maizeydaze
    Member

    Shhh! My secret....

    Posted 3 months ago #
  15. maizeydaze
    Member

    The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

    The Doctor suggested that he should get his “house in order”, make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

    “What will you do for the last six months?” asked the Doctor.

    His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, “I think I’ll go and live with my mother-in-law.”

    Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, “Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?”

    “Because it’ll be the longest six months of my life!”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  16. maizeydaze
    Member

    A wife asked her husband:

    “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

    “I like your sense of humor.”

    Posted 3 months ago #
  17. scubaguy
    Member

  18. GSM
    Member

    All of the stuff rammed into these threads are wonderful. The folks that hang in THIS forum are the best. Thanks for being here :) Cheers!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  19. funkymom
    Member

    good stuff!

    Posted 3 months ago #
  20. funkymom
    Member

    A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

    "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

    "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

    "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

    The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden _expression on his face.

    "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

    "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

    "So, what's your problem?"

    "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

    Posted 3 months ago #
  21. temporarylox
    Member

  22. maizeydaze
    Member

    From a collection of advice from old guys….

    * “Forget looks. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms.”
    * People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.
    * When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” - don’t have it.
    * If there is somthing in your life you love doing - try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
    * “It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”
    * “Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”
    * “Remember to mess around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89). She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.
    * My great uncle also once told me to never try pooping in a wicker waste paper bin.
    * “Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”
    * “Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”
    * “Never chase after a bus or a girl - another one’ll come along soon enough!”
    * No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still hurts.
    * Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the guts to hit him if he gets back up.
    * Genuine good advice from my Grandad - ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’
    * Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.
    * My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a diabetic!
    * My Gran told me that if my poo floated, in the toilet obviously, then I wasn’t eating properly. Once my jobbies went under, I could consider myself pretty healthy.
    * “Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”
    * Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.
    * “If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.
    * Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.
    * “Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.
    * “Never get separated from your lunch”
    * “life is like a poop sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”
    * “always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”
    * Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…
    * “He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”
    * “Never trust a dog with a curly tail”
    * Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it
    * Don’t eat gravy and ice cream at the same time.

    Posted 2 months ago #
  23. RunesageMagik
    Member

    Old Adage: Love is blind.
    Corollary: Desperate is blonde.
    Here's a lonely hearts news item that either sets the women's movement back a few decades or redefines prostitution... or both.
    Any rich guys out there dumb enough to take the Barbie doll up on her offer?

    Posted 2 months ago #
  24. funkymom
    Member

    wow.
    luckily, i'm not that desperate...............yet.
    ;D
    ------------------------------
    maizey- those are great!

    Posted 2 months ago #
  25. maizeydaze
    Member

    Why Math is taught in School

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

    I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to so! meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

    That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying or unrewarding.
    That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

    That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give one the finger? ...... I think not.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  26. funkymom
    Member

    lmao!
    thanks maizey.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  27. maizeydaze
    Member

    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

    "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
    The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

    A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

    Posted 1 month ago #
  28. suzzyqz
    Member

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
    I was gone only a few minutes.

    When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    Posted 1 month ago #
  29. funkymom
    Member

    another good one!
    :D

    Posted 1 month ago #
  30. graylox
    Member

    PEACE LOVE AND BARBECUE

    As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban or al quaeda male to see any woman, other than his wife, naked and that he must commit suicide if he does.

    All American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

    Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

    All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban or al quaeda, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives and to show support for all American women.

    And since the Taliban and al queda also do not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.
    For good measure, have various pork products cooking on your bbq grill.

    The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
    and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

    Posted 1 month ago #

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