nice one, dan!
i like it.
:D
Giveaway of the Day Forums » Talks
for the ladies
(301 posts)
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Posted 7 months ago #
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A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Funky, I like the "complaining hubby" poem and the joke, above. :)
Wow, Dan! Was that poem supposed to be funny or ironic? ;)
It's a violent day in the ladies thread.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Yes.
Posted 7 months ago # -
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Posted 7 months ago # -
that's great, graylox!
Posted 7 months ago # -
The Washcloth..............
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any
time to spare.As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that
was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some
other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief
and went home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning,
cooking.After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one
from the cupboard.She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter and sparkles saved inside it."Never going back to that doctor ever !!!
Posted 7 months ago # -
BK, I've got to admit, I've seen that one before but it's still funny! :-D
Posted 7 months ago # -
me too!
:DPosted 7 months ago # -
These are really more for the men. :-D
Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend
Lonely farmer's wedding night letdown
The James Dean Guide to Being a Body Language Bad*ss
When all else fails: Wife Wanted
Posted 7 months ago # -
Gee.. that wife wanted one even has his phone number!! Wonder if he found anyone yet? LOL
Posted 7 months ago # -
If BOB was rich enough, I'd call him! LOL
Posted 7 months ago # -
Oil Change Instructions For Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00Oil Change Instructions For Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16-box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!Posted 7 months ago # -
that sounds very familiar ROFL :-)))
Posted 7 months ago # -
Sounds like a typical backyard mechanic!
And.. creamypretzel.. there is no mention that Bob is rich. LOL
Posted 7 months ago # -
that's great!
so many good jokes are based on truth.
;DPosted 7 months ago # -
Isn't it funny how us men just have to come and take a look in threads headed like this one. LOL
Posted 7 months ago # -
That's because we know that whenever women gather together, there is bound to be trouble.
Posted 7 months ago # -
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
Posted 7 months ago # -
maizey- that's so funny/true. it was definitely true in my marriage, and now that i have to live with my folks again (temporarily........i really, really hope) i get to observe another couple. it's been a very interesting social experiment.
archangel and dan- it's not that we are trouble, it's that we are so interesting and intelligent and fun.
;DPosted 7 months ago # -
Yes, sisters, of course it's true, the guys love to hear our lovely voices ;)
Posted 7 months ago # -
and don't forget looking at our beyootiful faces!
Posted 7 months ago # -
Being on the Forums is like being drunk.....ALL the women look good!
Posted 7 months ago # -
Dan, are you a BIG drinker?
Posted 7 months ago # -
Probably depends on the women.... :P
(feel free to slap me) ;)
Posted 7 months ago # | Login to Send PM -
You boys may want to give this "Good Looking" system a try. Because you'll have to be something pretty special to turn our heads...unless we've been "drinking".
Posted 7 months ago # -
@ funkymom
All the women here are great and I'm sure beautiful!!
@ BuBBy
(LOL I'll probably get slapped for this but to add to your comment) I've always heard that all women are beautiful depending on the angle your looking at them from.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Archangel said:
"All the women here are great and I'm sure beautiful"
Nice phrasing. It sounds like you are saying "I'm sure beautiful". LOL
________________________________________________________maizeydaze said: "Dan, are you a BIG drinker?"
Are you implying that I would have to be a BIG drinker for all the women in the forums to look good? (No, I do not drink. Or smoke. Or do drugs.)
________________________________________________________I've always thought that the BAD thing about the Internet is that you cannot see who you are talking to. I've also always thought that the GOOD thing about the Internet is that you cannot see who you are talking to.
Posted 7 months ago # -
Now Dan you know we aren't suppose to be reading this thread!! ROTFLMAO
Posted 7 months ago #
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