I just found the California Milk/Cheese website. They have more "Happy Cow" videos and bloopers, wallpapers, calendars and some other stuff. This site seems to work best in Explorer. I had some trouble using Firefox. The videos still load rather slowly no matter what browser is used.
http://www.realcaliforniamilk.com/pages/english/happyCowsTV.aspx#
Firefox was quite good for me, rather slowly yes - but very moooooh.
maizey those are great.
:D
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here's my new joke:
Rude Parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly upset now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so upset that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
plenty of snickers here- http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Lolcats ‘n’ Funny Pictures
like:
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/funny-pictures-kitten-watches-tv.jpg
luv that site.
:D
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added:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/07/06/wrong/
lol!
:D
Back to the parrot theme:
----
Expensive parrots
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot to the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, "That one costs $2,000."
Needless to say this begs the question, "What can IT do?"
The owner replies "To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
Did you hear they make a square beer glass that won't leave a ring on your table?
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Did you hear about the elephant that had diarrhea?
No.
Your kidding, it's all over town!
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funny, maizey!
:D
a skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender-
give me a scotch...and a mop.
-----------------------------------------
Computer Weirdness in Movies
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
not a giggle but a funny greeting :
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,
"I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds,
Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the
husband says, "did he say anything about
the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders
in time , you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak."Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her
way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in
your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world." Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my
personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the
love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the
first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and
rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on so me of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out
of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullShit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
another email i received:
"No honey, I don't feel like it tonight...."
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Have a sense of humour!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and
then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy
them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Let's get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
racket when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled,
"WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
girl knows I'm smarter than her.
Alright girls, repost this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree,
forwards it.
Men, repost this because you have guts!!!
even more:
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it
was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left
Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Okay, risque without risk -
A woman asked the Priest sitting beside her on a air flight; "Father, might I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought a very expensive Swiss woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened, and I dare say it exceeds the customs limits quite a bit. I'm so afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"Hmmm, I would love to help, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"Truthfully, my son, dangling between my legs is a marvelously powerful instrument designed to please a woman greatly, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.......... Next!"
o.O ROTFLMAOWPIMP
@RunesageMagik - LOL!! i'm going to forward it to my friends! :D
He! He!...
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to f eel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes ...
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES --
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
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Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
--------------------------------------------------------
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
--------------------------------------------------------
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
--------------------------------------------------------
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
----------------------------------------------------------
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
-----------------------------------------------------------
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
----------------------- ------------------------------------
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A will is a dead giveaway.
-----------------------------------------------------------
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A chicken crossing the road: Poultry in motion.
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If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
--------------------------------------------------------------
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
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You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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A calendar's days are numbered.
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A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
------------------- ----------------------------------------------
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
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If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
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When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
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Acupuncture: a jab well done.
nice! :)
This is a funny one: http://www.funny-video-stuff.com/viewmovie.php?ad_key=MMJUFNTUHAIK&tracking_id=921452&id=728
copmom - I love those prank videos. Reminds me of the old candid camera show. :-)
This paronomasia's for you, Maize...
Statistically speaking, in a one horse town, even a new quarterhorse is a big deal.
For the ladies of the night -
~Fe~male = Male with iron* added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetism.
*For those who attended modern public schools, Fe is the symbol for iron
More groaners -
Bicycles can't stand alone because they're two tired.
Runners with bad shoes can suffer the agony of da feet.
This is an oldie but goodie. Makes me laugh every time I read it. I've found that women find it funnier than men. I know it's long but worth the read.
A Tazer Story
To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this email, is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person.
Dear Friends,
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round and rather large. Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get 'em back.
that is too funny!
not to be sexist, but only a man would do something like this. for most stereotypical gender situations, i can usually think of at least one person of the opposite sex doing whatever it is. i cannot imagine any woman doing anything remotely like this!
He'd be eligible for a Darwin Award, only he'd have to share the ribbon with about 1000 other idiots who have done the same thing. If any idiots are going to do it, maybe get drunk first... drunks seem to be the ones who survive car wrecks or are the least injured. If he's still looking for his little grapes, he should remember that muscles contract... so they may now be diagnosed as undescended.
Gonna Be a Bear
In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.
If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
hmmm... i would be a cat? sit n wait for food.. He!He!
I will be a millionaire
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