Good ones!!!!!! Never know what's going to come out of a kids mouth!
[sticky]
Could You Use A Laugh?
(746 posts) (40 voices)-
suzzyqz
offlineMemberTHE PASTOR'S CAT...
A true story
about the pastor of a friends church. He had a kitten that
climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to
come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough
to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to
his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could
then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all
the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured
if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved
the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree
went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the
air - out of sight.The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over
the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little
kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed,
"Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went
on about his business.A few days later he was at the grocery store
and met one of his church members. He happened to look
into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This
woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing.Then a few days before, the child had begged
again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if
God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the
pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her
knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."Posted 3 years ago # -
A Burial At Sea-Oh those Swedes!!
Sven and Lars had promised their uncle Hans, Ole's Swedish cousin, they
would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had thought of himself as
a seafaring viking all his life and it was to be his final wish.Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise.
They cast off from Fort Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a
burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat.After rowing for quite some time, Lars says, 'Do you think we're out far
enough, Sven?'Sven slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never
do -- the water is only up to my chest.'So they row on some more, and Lars slips over the side once again and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Lars is under water and
poor Sven is really getting worried. Suddenly, Lars breaks the surface,
gasping for breath.'Well, is it deep enough yet?' Sven inquires.
'Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel.'
Posted 3 years ago # -
suzzyqz
offlineMemberHOSS..I know people that dumb!! Good one!
Two Blondes were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the guy models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the gorgeous men in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very handsome. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats her on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if he's as cute as he is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest blonde asks her friend, 'Did you ever receive the guy you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second blonde replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got his clothes yesterday!'
Posted 3 years ago # -
Whiterabbit-uk
offlineGames Gurulol, nice one
I've not really paid much attention to this thread dispite it having been round for some time (6 months), so started up another thread, which realize is basically the same thing, so I apologise for being ignorant. The other thread is called Jokes corner, which I'll abandon as this one is well established:
Posted 3 years ago # -
maizeydaze
offlineMembersuzzyqz, That cat story had me LOL! Also, I'd like to add that I am a brunette! :)
Hoss, duh!
WR, We'll try to keep this thread toward the top. I've been trying to do that all along. But, you know that sometimes I slack off. LOL I sure could use some more help. (Hint, hint!)
Posted 3 years ago # -
copmom
offlineMemberSome funny slogans:
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'You will delight us if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, we will de-light you.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**************************************
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
Posted 3 years ago # -
LeKanaw
offlineMemberBonsoir Everybody :*)
I found a very funny post, that I wanted to share
For the past hour & half I've been looking for that thread of ours where we added posters comments. Where in the hell is it?? Can't find it at all!!!!This site search feature [or lack of] really is aggravating!!! :-(
Anyway, posting it here25.8.08 on Slava's blog, announcing No Giveaway:
Oh no! Now what am I to do!
How do you expect me to go a whole day without my download for the day?
Last time this happened I spent the day chasing chickens around the yard pulling their feathers out, one by one with my teeth.
The poor chickens are already running for the hills!
Got to take away their PDA's!Hope you get a giggle out of it, it really made me laugh out loud
Mangoette
Posted 3 years ago # -
suzzyqz
offlineMemberyes LeKanaw..I found that one funny also..I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things!
Gentle Thoughts for Today--
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Thereal art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at theright time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the temptingmoment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golfPosted 3 years ago # -
maizeydaze
offlineMemberA Rule-Of-Thumb Guide on What to Pitch and What to Save
Food moldyTHE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled.EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese.MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.SALT
It never spoils.CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you OPEN them.GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.Posted 3 years ago # -
Lyndy24
offlineMemberHi all, having spent 5 hours yesterday just reading this thread from the beginning (and going off to look at various things as I went along) I thought you might enjoy this one:
Quote for the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap, you will receive more sh*t than any one human being can handle
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.Posted 3 years ago # -
maizeydaze
offlineMemberHi Lyndy24! I love that one. If you like jokes for women, you might want to read this other thread called for the ladies. Enjoy!
Posted 3 years ago # -
maizeydaze
offlineMemberWrong answers on school tests
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section.”
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.Posted 3 years ago # -
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?’
Angelina Jolie added, 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.’
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek strutted to the table and said, 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Angelina Jolie said, ‘And the mirror told me I am the most gorgeous woman in the world.
Brad Pitt said with a frown, "Who the hell is HOSS?????”
Posted 3 years ago # -
notblocklox
offlineretiredPosted 3 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
offlineMemberHope this hasn't been posted here before...too cute not to share....
"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:'You've Got Male'!
Posted 2 years ago # -
watcher13
offlineMemberMany of you have seen it - it's one of those, "you should see it before you die" things. However, especially for our non-American friends, I'm going to post a link to the famous Tim Conway elephant story outtake from the Carol Burnett Show. This is the whole one, too, often only the second part is shown. A little background. The show was edited together from two rehearsals. Anything flubbed in both rehearsals made in on to the final tape. Two rehearsals also helped if the show was going way over time in the first one, stuff could be cut out of the second.
And Conway was notorius for adding ad-libs and physical bits that the others weren't prepared for to try and get them to crack up. He was particularly good at doing it to Harvey Korman. This is during a "The Family" sketch with Carol, Vicki, and Dick Van Dyke playing something like Trivial Pursuit. Tim, playing dim-witted Micky, launches into a couple of preposterous stories after one of the questions is about elephants. Even Tim starts cracking about how he's tearing up the other three. But Vicki Lawrence turns the tables and gets the last word, which is why it's an outtake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY&feature=PlayList&p=EEA6C5C03FB410B7&index=0
Posted 2 years ago # -
Buckleysmom
offlineMemberSense of Freshness...
A new supermarket opened. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Posted 2 years ago # -
notblocklox
offlineretired:):):)
sorry, BK, but it's too hot today to write a Thank you!Posted 2 years ago # -
LeKanaw
offlineMemberHello :*)
My little contribution
http://blogoscoped.com/archive/2009-08-11-n87.html
The fact it was filmed at GG's makes it funnier.Your entries are always great BK!!
Peace
Posted 2 years ago #
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