Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."
The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."
Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
lol...one more 'on the block' Funmomeus...The best on the across block :)
bad one sorry... :0
Cheers Funky & all
you should be. i don't get it.
;p
Congressman's Money
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces- Just the stone cold truth of great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must become involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever the heck you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
maizey- that's great.
:D
The U.S. has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.
having lived in wisconsin, i can verify the truth of this joke:
Packers Fan
There was a Packers fan with a really lousy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Ladies....Does this sound familiar?
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yeste r day - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made con tact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toile t seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of t! he line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing f ro m your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
-----edit-----
Sorry, this looked a lot shorter in the email I got.
bk- that's great!
------------------------------------------------------
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
The oil crises according to Garfield....
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer...
Nobody bothered to check the oil so we just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical....
Our OIL is located in ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas,
Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas...
But our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!
Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't Think So.
Garfield
maizeydaze.......unusual,.....but very funny!
Paulga
Funky.....funny one. I know some doctors who SHOULD be plumbers :)
Fill 'er up....if you can!!! :D
Maizey....how dumb! I thought for sure there was going to be gas running all over the place.
Old Train- A Parody of Soul Train
This is taken from the ground-breaking comedy show of the early 90's In Living Color. It was unusual in that it featured a predominantly black cast. Many famous people had their start here including the Wayans Bros, Jim Carrey, Jammie Fox and Jennifer Lopez. I hope some find this amusing as I did.
I apologise as the description above was taken from Wikipedia and a better description instead of black would be African American or African Carrabean. Sorry about that.
rob and maizey- those were hilarious!
Maizey that was superb and very funny, I enjoy comedy in that vein.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following menu options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Some Strange British Signs Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice
in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
The Y Generation
The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.
Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.
Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995 .
Why do we call the last one generation Y?
Click here to see WHY.
LOL! Indeed! Is the laziness a by-product of that? Or is it the Oprah effect. ?
Being a good old tradesman, as I am...I have to say there are a dwindling number of potential journeymen out there.
Anyway, Back to the jokes...Umm. only have the unga bunga one...cyas,
So I guess that means anyone born after 1996 will be the Z generation?
maizey that's funny!
(i've posted it over at the other forums......and, of course, given you the credit)
It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was to appear.
A large crowd had gathered to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
Claude stood in front of his audience and announced,
“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”
The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to completely concentrate on this watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations and has special powers.”
He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, back and forth, while quietly chanting:
“Watch the watch, Watch the watch, Watch the watch .”
Slowly the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed, the light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“CRAP !”, said the Hypnotist.
….it took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
The Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!
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